Took a relationship quiz and it said....

Interdependence

Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a “couple identity” with your partner. Your answer pattens suggest that you tend not to become overly dependent on a romantic partner. People scoring like you are comfortable being singled out for praise and rewards, and their personal identity and independence from others is important to them. Therefore, it seems you need a reasonable level of independence in a relationship. This does not mean that you do not desire to be close with a partner. Indeed, when you feel close to someone, this person often becomes an important part of who you are on the inside and you probably like showing off your “couplehood” in public. However, you do not necessarily need to be constantly “joined at the hip” in order to feel connected and secure in a relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who reciprocates a strong feeling of attachment to a partner but who also respects and copes well with the fact that you benefit from a reasonable level of physical and psychological space at times.





Sounds pretty accurate to me. Now if I can just frind someone who wants this too.

How did I get here?

There grew a distance between us

I let the beast get the better of me

First I was your hammock

Swaying your troubled life to an ease

Taking your stress into my hands

Always there to pick you up

I was proud to be your rock

Honored to be the shoulder you cried on

But the gratitude didn’t come

Disrespect spewed from your mouth

Is this the thanks you are bestowing on me

Would my effort mean anything if I just sat by and watched you tear your life down again

I care too much for that

But yet the beast that has been inside me

And has used its strength to keep you safe

And it at last is tired

So this is where we part

You bit the hand that fed you

And this beast bites back

Did it teach you anything

I hope so

I hope you have learned to stand on your own feet

I hope all my help was not in vain

Go forth and be happy

Don’t put up with bull shit

Don’t let him hurt you

I am walking away

Allowing the distance to grow between us

I cannot watch

I cannot support

This beast has a heart

And its heart is broken

butterflies and sex toys

Being single this time around is harder. Maybe because I have never been a single adult for long, but for some reason... fear most likely.... I am taking my sweet time. Honestly I get freaked out when a guy wants to cuddle and hold my hand. Offer me sweet kisses and introduce me to his family. I am more comfortable when he just wants to buy me a drink, play pool, and make out. Lets not talk about a future together or become boyfriend and girlfriend. Lets just enjoy each others company. Lets just be adventure seekers together. But I must warn all you men... If you get too close I will most likely run away and leave you wondering what you did wrong.

Its been a long time since someone made me want to risk heartbreak of my own. I had a sorta steady man in my life previously blogged about. And we had a great non-committal relationship. The only real problem between us is that we are both busy. When we make time for each other it is great and so much fun.

I had a great date last night. Honestly I was intending on playing with and walking away from him just like all my other recent dates. But I found myself smiling like a goof all day at work. And couldn't wait to hang out with him again. Its not love at first sight... Its just hope. This is proof that I am heeled from the stupid walk-out husband. I have been over the marriage for a long long time now, but now I believe I deserve happiness and companionship. So my eyes are open. Although I still don't feel like holding hands.... is that weird. Hand holding is scarier than sex ha ha ha. Good thing I took a vow of celibacy til June 1st... so I can clear my head and stop treating men like toys.

Does good come from god?

It is my personal belief that actions become evil when they involve violating or taking away rights from another human being. I believe you can be as cruel to yourself as you want but when you are cruel to another person it becomes morally wrong. I did not learn this by reading any religious writing, but by my own human experience and interactions. Like all animals we strive to survive and succeed in our society. There will always be animals that step on each other to reach the top, and animals that are satisfied in the middle, and animals that push others to the top expecting nothing in return. We are but a complicated species with billions of personality trait combinations that effect the way we treat ourselves and the people around us. Religion is a good guide for most, but not needed for all humankind to live a compassionate life. Some already have it in them, and some will never have it.

Lets have a toast for the douchebags

Life is overwhelming.

i dont feel like I am supposed to be here.

Here in this boring town, this red state.

Going through the motions.

Day after day.

I wanted to get away this weekend. Escape from everything that is making me crazy. i have been keeping this anguish inside for far too long. usually I just run away. Oregon, California, Utah, North Carolina, etc. They are all the same. i get bored of the news on TV. Bored with the suburbs around me. I need life. A colorful life. Filled with good food, music, dance, passion, and tradition. I want to be surrounded by people who believe life is more than graduating high school to go to college to meet a spouse to go into debt buying a picture perfect house to wear a suit to work long hours to buy that new car and bla bla bla.

I dont want any of that. I dont care. Never have.

For the past three days I took off work. Hoping, planning to do something fun. I have told all my friends almost a month in advance. I really needed this. I needed to laugh. To find a bit of joy to keep me holding on to this stupid city. I love my friends. I knew they could make feel better.

But where are they. night one: I am alone, night two: I am alone, and now I sit on night three. i have called, texts, and reached out all weekend. I just need someone to talk to.

The last time i posted feelings like this I was soon approached by many guilty conscious people. I am still waiting on that lunch by the way. Whatever. I know you life doesn't revolve around me. But all I was asking for was one afternoon or one evening. 4 hours of your precious life.

I am happy to know I am worth it.

_______________________________________________________

One day I will disappear

you will wake up and I will be gone

I will be having an adventure

and my life will be full of color

sick ramblings

I am going to attempt to write a blog while enjoying my cold medicine.

I have no food that falls into the breakfast catagory. I am hungry. I dont even have soy milk for cereal or malt o meal. But I do have a nutrageous. yum. When I am sick I tend to make poor decicions. I went to the store and bought a red velvet cake in the shape of a boob. I ate it all. yum. I dont want to eat soup, cause thats what I will have that for lunch.

Theres nothing good on TV.

I wish I had Ice Cream. My favorive ice cream flavor was Dreyers Dremery Carmal Toffee Bar Heaven. But a few years ago it disapereared. I miss it. Actually my favorite ice cream is really a gelato. mm mm mm Pistatio. I need to go find some food. And get healthier.

I didn't know I would want you back

After a big change of direction in a persons life it is easy to stray until you find a new path. When Spencer and I separated the last thing I wanted was another relationship. Sure I wanted companionship and sexual satisfaction. And I have found those are the easy things to find. I began a casual relationship with someone I used to work with. We enjoyed each others company. There was no pressure to plan a future. But that can only last so long. And after a couple of months we became exclusive. It was still fun and satisfying... if you know what I mean :) But I got scared. Was he just a rebound? Am I really ready for a new relationship? Should I be dating around? After all I am rarely single and have a habit of jumping from one long relationship to another. So we broke up. And two months went by filled with first dates and new men. He found a girlfriend which meant the casual enjoyment of his company was not an option. I will leave a few details out of my story to spare the feelings of a 20 year old virgin girl. But we hung out and the spark was back. He was never a rebound.... I am ready to only be with one man.... and I only have the interest of dating him. What the fuck happened. The girl so happy to live the single life is willing to give up the flirting for free drinks and expensive first dates for one guy. He must be pretty special. Ok we are taking things slow. The smart thing to do. The best thing... is there is no outside influence on us telling us how to live. No in-laws secretly judging you and talking trash behind your back. Its only us. But don't expect to see me change my facebook status anytime soon. I like having a little privacy. He knows... and I know. And I AM REALLY HAPPY!