butterflies and sex toys

Being single this time around is harder. Maybe because I have never been a single adult for long, but for some reason... fear most likely.... I am taking my sweet time. Honestly I get freaked out when a guy wants to cuddle and hold my hand. Offer me sweet kisses and introduce me to his family. I am more comfortable when he just wants to buy me a drink, play pool, and make out. Lets not talk about a future together or become boyfriend and girlfriend. Lets just enjoy each others company. Lets just be adventure seekers together. But I must warn all you men... If you get too close I will most likely run away and leave you wondering what you did wrong.

Its been a long time since someone made me want to risk heartbreak of my own. I had a sorta steady man in my life previously blogged about. And we had a great non-committal relationship. The only real problem between us is that we are both busy. When we make time for each other it is great and so much fun.

I had a great date last night. Honestly I was intending on playing with and walking away from him just like all my other recent dates. But I found myself smiling like a goof all day at work. And couldn't wait to hang out with him again. Its not love at first sight... Its just hope. This is proof that I am heeled from the stupid walk-out husband. I have been over the marriage for a long long time now, but now I believe I deserve happiness and companionship. So my eyes are open. Although I still don't feel like holding hands.... is that weird. Hand holding is scarier than sex ha ha ha. Good thing I took a vow of celibacy til June 1st... so I can clear my head and stop treating men like toys.

Does good come from god?

It is my personal belief that actions become evil when they involve violating or taking away rights from another human being. I believe you can be as cruel to yourself as you want but when you are cruel to another person it becomes morally wrong. I did not learn this by reading any religious writing, but by my own human experience and interactions. Like all animals we strive to survive and succeed in our society. There will always be animals that step on each other to reach the top, and animals that are satisfied in the middle, and animals that push others to the top expecting nothing in return. We are but a complicated species with billions of personality trait combinations that effect the way we treat ourselves and the people around us. Religion is a good guide for most, but not needed for all humankind to live a compassionate life. Some already have it in them, and some will never have it.

Lets have a toast for the douchebags

Life is overwhelming.

i dont feel like I am supposed to be here.

Here in this boring town, this red state.

Going through the motions.

Day after day.

I wanted to get away this weekend. Escape from everything that is making me crazy. i have been keeping this anguish inside for far too long. usually I just run away. Oregon, California, Utah, North Carolina, etc. They are all the same. i get bored of the news on TV. Bored with the suburbs around me. I need life. A colorful life. Filled with good food, music, dance, passion, and tradition. I want to be surrounded by people who believe life is more than graduating high school to go to college to meet a spouse to go into debt buying a picture perfect house to wear a suit to work long hours to buy that new car and bla bla bla.

I dont want any of that. I dont care. Never have.

For the past three days I took off work. Hoping, planning to do something fun. I have told all my friends almost a month in advance. I really needed this. I needed to laugh. To find a bit of joy to keep me holding on to this stupid city. I love my friends. I knew they could make feel better.

But where are they. night one: I am alone, night two: I am alone, and now I sit on night three. i have called, texts, and reached out all weekend. I just need someone to talk to.

The last time i posted feelings like this I was soon approached by many guilty conscious people. I am still waiting on that lunch by the way. Whatever. I know you life doesn't revolve around me. But all I was asking for was one afternoon or one evening. 4 hours of your precious life.

I am happy to know I am worth it.

_______________________________________________________

One day I will disappear

you will wake up and I will be gone

I will be having an adventure

and my life will be full of color